Do you ever stop to think about your relationship with your partner or spouse? How happy are you both? How well do you communicate with each other, and at what levels? If you are able to answer these positively, then that’s great!
Couples who come to me for counselling can find themselves at various stages from just wondering where the spark has gone through to being in a state of all-out conflict. Extraneous factors may have also played their part, and I encourage exploration of these issues together from the perspective of the relationship. I always encourage each person, rather than to focus on blame, to reflect on how each might shoulder some of the responsibility for moving forward, knowing that whatever might have happened cannot be undone but can be worked through.
Separation is a very painful thing to go through – even if it’s an ‘amicable’ agreement. Not only does it affect the two people concerned emotionally, but also financially and practically. It can have long-lasting effects on children too, who need an emotionally secure base from which to grow and develop. If I’m honest I have sometimes wondered if some of the couples I have seen have come as a last resort, hoping that by some miracle I will be able to save their relationship. This is something I will never claim to be able to do! Obviously I want to help people -that’s why I do what I do. However I can only help if each person is willing to process and implement what we talk about.
Any couple will have disagreements. That goes without saying. The Gottman Institute in the USA speaks of four elements which should be avoided as couples face disagreements in their relationship: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. If you find yourself doing any of these, I would suggest that it might be good to have someone alongside who can offer a safe space to be able to explore alternatives to these.
Before it’s too late.