Even before birth a relationship between a mother and her child is already developing. This bond, continuing through the early stages of life, is crucial for the child’s development and well-being. It has a lasting impact on the emotional and psychological health of the individual, not just in childhood but also through adulthood. Unfortunately, some parents are not always able to provide their children with the necessary emotional support. This may be because of their own unmet emotional needs, which is why in counselling we often look at the parents’ own upbringing.
A child’s attachment ‘style’, according to Attachment Theory first introduced in the 1950s, is determined by the quality of care that it receive from its primary ‘caregiver’ during the first few years of life. Having a secure attachment means that the child received consistent, reliable, loving care. Those receiving care that is unreliable, neglectful or even non-existent, will develop an insecure attachment style.
As I mentioned, effects of secure or insecure attachment styles in childhood are also seen in a person’s adult life. One of the most common is the difficulty in forming and maintaining healthy adult relationships. Such people might struggle to trust others, for example, and may not find emotional regulation easy, including having difficulty expressing their emotions in a healthy and constructive way. This can lead to issues of communication in relationships, something I have already talked about in a previous post.
Another effect of poor parental attachment styles is a tendency towards anxiety and depression. Many young people seem to be suffering in this way these days. Anxiety rears its head especially in stressful situations, or if individuals feel they are not getting enough emotional support from their life partner. They may also have problems with their self-esteem.
It’s fairly obvious to say that people who have experienced poor parental attachment styles can find it hard to provide a secure bond with their own children. They will find it a challenge to provide what they themselves did not receive in terms of consistency and unconditional love.
If what you are reading here is resonating with you, it is important to know that you can work through how you feel by seeking help from a suitably qualified counsellor or therapist. The work is based on forming a stable working alliance, a ‘therapeutic relationship’ as it is called, where you will be encouraged to express yourself in a way that you may not have experienced before. Having this opportunity to be fully heard will mean that you get to know that your feelings are valid, and ultimately you will come to understand your value as an individual human being.
Here are a couple of books for further reading:
- Healing Your Attachment Wounds by Diane Poole Heller
- Parenting From The Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell